What’s Your Role in the Relationship?

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What worked for grandma may not work for you!

There is a tendency for most couples to cast themselves in traditional roles once they get into a committed relationship. They begin to act differently and have different expectations than when they were dating. They begin to subscribe to beliefs like women are supposed to cook, clean, and be the caregiver in the relationship and men are supposed to be the financiers, handymen, and decision maker. At one time this was the normal landscape of committed relationships, but times have changed and these roles are no longer needed.

Although people know that intellectually there is no need for the roles they still want their partners to act them out, but usually don’t want to act them out themselves. This creates tension and irritation in the relationship. The key is to allow your partner to be themselves. Don’t tell them what to do or how to do it. After all that is what you want for yourself, isn’t it? The thing is we have all been trained to believe that when you are in a committed relationship as well as dating that men are supposed to say and do certain things to show they care about you and visa versa. When this doesn’t happen we tend to feel unloved or that they don’t care enough to do certain things for us.

The thing is everyone is an individual with their own life experiences and they cannot be expected to have a cookie cutter response to love and dating. In addition to that they cannot be expected to know your expectations on love and dating unless you communicate those expectations. This part is usually a problem for most people. They are under the assumption that the other person should just know what they need or expect. Unless you are with a mind reader it’s not going to happen even if they love and respect you. It’s just not possible for another person to know what you want and need without you communicating it to them first.

I recently discovered this first hand. We had a broken mini blind in our living room and I wanted Anthony to fix it. I asked him and he mumbled something. It did not get done so I asked him again. He said he would get to it when he had time. Weeks went by and it still did not get done. I began to feel resentful and when I brought it up again with an attitude he said “I will get to it, but it’s not as important to me as it is to you.” This made me think why am I expecting him to do it? It’s not even important to him. Why do I feel angry about it?

I realized I expected him to fix things because I was raised to believe men handled those duties. I then realized I did not need him to fix it for me. I had plenty of other options. I could fix it myself, which was not likely because I am not that handy, I could hire a handyman, I could ask a friend to do it, or I could wait until Anthony was ready to do it for me. Just exploring those options made me feel less angry. I decided to seek out a handyman and keep my relationship intact. After all I don’t like it when he expects me to do things I don’t want to do. I apologized to Anthony for pushing him and expecting him to fix things when I wanted him too. I explained that growing up in a small town all of the men I knew just fixed things with no questions asked. I told him I realized he was a New Yorker and did not grow up the same way. He thanked me for letting him know how I felt. We had a great discussion about the roles in our relationship and we grew from the experience. He fixed the blind the very next day.

The thing is we are both very strong independent people that have decided to build a life together. That life has things that have to be done. Instead of expecting each other to do things based on a gender role we communicate our needs to one another and decide together who is going to do what. For the first 15 years of being together I worked full time, cooked, cleaned, and took care of our kids. I did it because I wanted to. It was a lot of work and when it got to be too much I asked for help. These days Anthony runs our home. He cleans, does laundry, cooks, and takes care of our daughter. I run a consulting business in addition to working with him on our relationship businesses. The roles have reversed. Not because I am stronger than him, but because it makes the most sense for our life today. We do what needs to be done and we give each other the love and respect to be ourselves. We do not expect each other to act out a gender role in the relationship. We love and respect each other too much for that. We have a luxury relationship in which both of us get to be happy.

This requires some letting go. It also requires you rethinking your beliefs about what men and women should and should not be. There is very little chance you can be a modern progressive individual and still have a traditional relationship. You must create it from scratch together. You must communicate your needs and wants. Then plan how you will coexist and build the life you both desire. This takes time and patience. You will have to work through some disagreements, but in the end you will find a common ground. Being yourself and doing what you want feels great! Being with another person does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself. You can both have it all, but first you have to create it together.


Anthony Clark (The Game Dr,) was born and raised in Brooklyn New York and is a former male escort. Melanie Clark was born and raised in Fresno California and is an former model. 2 decades ago they met in a nightclub and were immediately attracted to each other. Ever since then they have been inseparable. This husband & wife duo have been together for 20 years and are still madly in love. They are proud parents of 3 beautiful children, they are best friends, and they are soul mates. Anthony & Melanie’s extraordinarily successful marriage is proof that they know what it takes to find love and make it work. 15 years ago they became dating & relationship coaches so that they could share their secrets to romantic success with others. They are also international authors, professional speakers, and creators of “Luxury Relationship advice” – which is designed to meet the progressive dating & relationship desires of today’s generation of men & women. The Amazing Clarks have a non-traditional approach to love & dating that resonates with the relationship lifestyle that today’s couples and singles desire. They are incredibly entertaining, open minded, and non-judgemental. They say what they think and refuse to be politically correct. Their groundbreaking philosophies are the perfect balance of science, spirituality, and real life experience. The Amazing Clark’s mission is to teach the world to say “Hell no to the status quo” and introduce them to new & better ways to love & date.

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2015-09-21T10:29:52+00:00

Related Questions

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    A:

    Greetings, Beloved! You are upset because you expect something and expectation is your problem. You are expecting something beyond your control, expecting something coming from another person you can't control. Just do you and let karma take care of this dude. You just can't up and not love someone anymore. He's either saying that so as to bounce from the scene (leave) and his responsibilities or he never loved you in the first place and perhaps used you for his own purposes of sexual gratification and you ended up getting pregnant. At either rate, just do you and focus on you - what you desire for you and your child. Think positive! Let go of the situation involving this dude. Start on it TODAY! The dude is selfish and creating karma! Release him! You can't make a person do something that is not in them to do.

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    Q: I know you are an herbalist and I have read your articles on relationships, but I really need to discuss an issue with a conscious person like yourself. I have a friend who is a conscious brother, he made it known that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, claims he's to busy, but he is into having a spiritual sexual relationship(releasing energy he says on a spiritual level). My thought is that in order to connect with someone totally on a sexual level they should be a unit to experience this sacred sexual experience he refers to, otherwise to me it seems a very clever why to have sex without the commitment of being in a relationship. I would really appreciate your thoughts.

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    You can get your life back, Ma'am! First, DETOX (FULL BODY DETOX). Read our free articles while Detoxing and make sure you order and read our MENTAL SCIENCE MANUAL too which is very important in healing as it shows you how to work the mind to your benefit.

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    Dherbs.Com has no relationship with Dr. Sebi and his Fig Tree brand of herbs.

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    For Diabetes, give our Pancreas Kit and Regimen a try. Diabetes is a pancreas disorder! Read our DIABETES article.

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    Q: Hello, I enjoyed reading the information on your website. I have many questions, but my concern is that I am 43 year old African- American female, who would be classified as obese. Last year I had a miscarriage, which was devastating to me though we were not trying to get pregnant. I have a 16 year old healthy son. The doctor wanted me to have a hysterectomy because of my age and reported that I had non-cancerous fibroids. I chose not to as if I have the opportunity to get pregnant again, I would like to carry my baby to full term and deliver another healthy baby. My question is: which would you suggest I do first (as we know, time is a factor)? Should I do the full body detox and then the weight cleanse? I don't want to do the fertility program, but I'm not sure exactly why I lost my baby. I know stress played a major factor (I quit that high-stress job I was on) and after reading your website, realized that weight played a much larger role than I wanted to realize. I'm not trying to actively get pregnant, but because it remains a possibility, I would like to be as healthy as possible. My partner and I broke up shortly after the miscarriage, but have recently recommitted to a relationship again after almost a year apart. I am sorry for this long email, but your opinion would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely

    A:

    First perform the FULL BODY DETOXfirst followed by the WEIGHT RELEASE CLEANSE AND REGIMEN.

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    Q: I am interested in an astrological consultation session for relationship compatibility? I understand one session is $50.00.?? Please contact me for birthdates and locations?

    A:

    Please call 866-434-3727 and schedule your consultation and make payment. During the consultation please give the zodiac signs of you and the other person, birthdates, and if you know the time of birth for each person, I would like that too! Thank you for the interest in Dherbs.com.

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    Q: Thank you once again for your advice and your article on love. I was in so much pain when I emailed you all I could think of was that maybe death would give me peace. As your articles say, heartache, the broken light cord, hurts something terrible in the most literal sense. Your articles give me so much comfort and peace, you are truly blessed. I read everything is Okay as often as I can to remind me to go with the flow of life. Since your first email I have started working with Rose quartz, Rhodocrosite, and Adventurine. I've started practicing Qi Gong and this is helping to put me in tune with who I really am, divine. I cannot say it has been all peaches and cream, the journey up has been bumpy- I have to read and re-read, make the conscious decisions to let go of old patterns. Thank you for your love. Thank you for taking the time to reach back out to a stranger when you did not have to. I am on your site now ready to make my second purchase. There are two 4th Charka elixirs for sale, which one should I purchase? The abundance elixir- is this meant to bring abundance or change my thinking on abundance? I apologize if this question sounds ignorant but I'm slightly confused. One last thing Dherbs.com, you speak of a Three in One modality and advise your reader to get one. What is this and how can I get one? Also, how can I schedule a Charka Consult with you? I know this is a great deal of questions and comments, thank you so much, so very much, for your time.

    A:

    Thank you so much for your e-mail, beloved! Much obliged! Glad to hear Dherbs is helping you on your wonderful journey. Death is never the answer, Beloved. Please read my new article on â€SUICIDEâ€, which explains why (if you haven't already). In re: Charka elixirs I would suggest the FOURTH CHAKRA #2 the one for the Heart as compared to "healing." My friend Julie no longer offers the 3-in-1 sessions, which were so beneficial. However, we still offer charka balancing and can do a reading by phone ($55) if you're interested.

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    Q: Greetings, I wanted to first say thanks for all of the great advice you have given me over the past couple of months. On Tuesday my husband and I welcomed our second daughter into the world. We had a natural birth with a midwife, and it was the best experience ever! So, you know I have a question for you. My midwife, and pediatrician are worried, and preplexed because my daughter who was born on Tuesday has not had a bowel movement yet. She has not passed any meconium at all, and from what I've read newborns are supposed to pass this within 24 hours after birth. I was full term at 40 weeks at the time of delivery. The baby had a full ultrasound today, and I am waiting to hear the results. We are keeping a positive outlook, but you know I had to get your take on the situation because I trust your judgement and advice. I've also sent you a few photos of my family and our new baby girl. Take care and the best to you and your family.

    A:

    Greetings! Wow! Adorable, precious little baby. Kudos to you and the family! Beloved, trust in Nature. Every body, and every baby is different. The baby will release when he/she is ready to release. My recent son didn't release until 2-3 days later. However, he eventually released. Babies are not on our worldly time schedule. We shouldn't hold them to our worldly expectations, because then we start to think something is wrong (with them), and start worrying which is unhealthy. Just show the love! That's it! Nature got this!!! I have a new e-book "The Complete Home-Birth Guidebook" you will find of great assistance with your post-natal process and period. Great information for you in it! Peace and love!

    Product links:
    The Complete Home Birth Guidebook

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    Q: What is the relationship between exercise and energy?

    A:

    Energy exists whether we exercise or not. We live in a sea of energy. Exercise helps us to keep our bodily fluids fluid and moving.

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    Q: I would like to know, if you have any skin care programs, for women age 50 and over. I am going to try the detox progarm as soon as possible. I truly believe that I am going to be very happy with the results. I am 51 years old, and I want to look and feel my best. I have a lot of belly fat, and that makes me feel uncomfortable, because some people will ask me, if I am pregnant. This seems very strange to me, because my stomach seems to be the main place, where all the fat is building up. I desire to have beauty inside and out. I want to be completely whole. If you have tips for skin care and body care, please let me know. Some people say that I look like I am in my forties, however, if I did not have all of this extra body fat, I could really believe what they are saying.

    A:

    The blood needs to be cleansed in order to enhance your skin and eliminate excess fat.

    We would recommend you perform the Full Body Cleanse which can help improve skin complexion, release weight, and detoxify, purify, rejuvenate, and strengthen the body and all of its eliminative channels.

    We also have a Facial Skin Kit that works to naturally restore the health of skin by helping to remove blemishes, hydrate skin, and even out complexion for resilient skin.

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    Q: Thank you so much for all the helpful information you send to my family. We lived in CA a year ago. Recently we moved to Louisiana, wish we would have had this type of relationship with you then. I want to be a registered dietician, my name is Sawayla, I am 15 yrs old. I also would like to pursue a degree in wholistic health care. Please advise.

    A:

    Always a beautiful thing to see young people interested in health and healing! Kudos to you, young sister!

    You can achieve anything you desire and put your mind to. If you want to be an dietician, find out what is necessary and begin to prepare yourself for the necessary courses.

    Start now! See yourself as an dietician! See it in order to achieve it! You're a rare young gemstone!

    Stay focused on your dreams and desires and always stay positive!

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    Q: I have been married 5 years and my husband and I are not seeing eye to eye after the birth of our two kids. It seems like he has drawn farther away from me. It could be stress or job related issues, but the fact remains that he does not communicate to me about anything important in his life. He just has a closed shell when it comes to telling me things. Also, he stop paying the the rent for a while now. I don't know if this has anything to do with me making more than him financially. How can I approach my husband, with out hurting his ego and get him to talk to me about anything? But, I must say we are not affectionate to each other only when it comes to be sexual. What can I do?

    A:

    Sometimes men feel like an outsider after children are born. It's because the wife has to give the children so much of her attention. He cant help feeling a little resentful or jealous. If you want him to open up. Give him some attention. Tell him you appreciate him often. Kiss him and love on him too. Men also shut down when they are not getting enough sex. Tell him when you feel sexual. Tell him you want him, and are attracted to him. This will help him to feel close to you again, and he will begin to share himself with you again. Treat him the way you want to be treated.

    Sending love and light.

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    Q: I am beginning a career as an artist but I am a single mother. I have worked in many corporate offices as a temp. I have attempted attending schools for things I thought would make me money. I really want to be a successful artist but I also have to take care of my son and work on art and work on my freelance contracts. I do not make the money I want or live where I want to live yet. I help my mother with her bills, I buy groceries and cook for everyone, I work at my uncles center for children and out of an art gallery at the homeless shelter as well as attend courses regarding the art business. I am doing it all without acquiring debt but I would like to know if it sounds like I am doing enough. I live a very lonely life, no real friends, no boyfriend. The only "kicks" I get are smoking a little weed and drinking a little wine here and there. I take my son to school and pick him up daily. I made sure I got him into one of the top schools in my city I also try to teach him and read to him as much as possible and keep him out of trouble. It gets hard. How do I stay motivated? I think the thing that bothers me most is uncertainty and the lack of money I have right now. How do I get to the next level financially without acquiring debt or having to fight traffic and deal with crazy attitudes every day?

    A:

    I apologize for the very delayed response, we have been experiencing technical difficulties.  I first would like to commend you on your ability to prioritize in such an effective manner.  Your life sounds like one lived in great service to  and love of others.  However, it is also VERY important that you receive energy from others so that you do not become too imbalanced.  Balance in life is crucial in all things (spiritual, physical, cognitive, relational etc).

    Your loneliness is your heart's/spirit's way of asking for relational balance.  It will continue asking louder and cause difficulties in other areas of your life/being until you create this balance.  Your substance use (and thank you for your honesty) only temporarily masks the loneliness, but drugs can only make it worse.  You see, drugs block us from becoming skilled at creating healthy relationships because they numbs us by turning down the volume on our brain's natural pleasure-centers.

    Additionally; keep in mind:  Your first fruits are always to be consumed by YOU!  You must always place yourself first, even before your son.  In example:  Airlines direct you that in the event of trouble you are to place your own oxygen mask on first.  You can be of no use to your son if you are unconscious due to lack of oxygen.  Similarly, if you give all of your fruits to others, you will have no "seed" or energy to produce more fruit.  

    You must give to you first!  Then you have the energy to give to others.  It teaches others how to give to you, how to love you, how to respect you and your needs while giving them the opportunity to reciprocate by giving to you.  This is how we balance giving.  Don't worry if it feels selfish at first, it definitely will seem that way, to you and possibly others.  Its just the change of tides making everyone feel a bit uncomfortable - but this will balance out in time as you become  more skilled at receiving and feel more worthy of others' care .

    I realize you have asked several other questions, however I have addressed the one I feel will help unblock your energy and allow you to see that the answers to the other questions have always been right before you.  We are born with everything we need to accomplish our goals, we only need to focus on the proper utilization of these gifts and resources.  If you couple this skill with fearlessness and belief in oneself, you will win.

    This communication does not constitute a client/coach relationship.  This is for information purposes only.

    Life is simply beautiful! 

    Enjoy your Self!