THE SKIN I LIVE IN; 100 POUNDS & DOWN! Day 11

 

The Skin I Live In – Day 11:
Emotional Eating
Empty, Worthless, Tired, and Weak; unfortunately this is how I’m feeling tonight. I’m lonely and uncovered and seeking something bigger, greater and fuller than my understanding. I wish I could say that the feeling is about a plate or some rich food I wish I could eat, but it’s not. I’m feeling this way, I believe because I’m transitioning into a space that I’ve never been in before, something I’ve never seen. But isn’t this space the place of new-birth? A place of surrender, no strength, no masks, desperate for the fullness of a new life in the exact space that was designed specifically for Me.

I’m hungry to feast on the vision poured into me while I sleep. I‘ve heard it said that God is never far away and is always waiting on you, but in which direction are you tonight God? I decided to write not because of my blog schedule, but because I’m fed up with finding myself emotionally eating when I feel this hole of a space. I’m angry with the thoughts of being content with whatever disastrous, destroying thoughts that I’ve had in the last 20 minutes. I’m angry because there is something that is bigger than me that wants me to lean to something temporary rather than fixing my strength to win past the passing hunger pains of feeling empty and away from living my true life.

Like you I try daily, I reach daily, I urge myself from the secret place within to surrender to my calling and to be the example of all that is rich with love and passion for Being, living and loving; but tonight I just want to be held, I want to be satisfied with what God has already provided, done, given, but I’m not there, or haven’t been there today I should say. I know I’m an encourager, a pillar and a giver, but who will give to me, restore me, encourage me? Me in Him and Him in Me!

So tonight, instead of surrendering to that voice in my head that wants me to give up, I’ll reach for the strength that only comes when my strength is gone. Tonight I surrender my heart, my mind, my flesh and all of my hearts desire in exchange for the arms of the God I serve. We get weak, we get tired, we get lonely, and we suffer, that’s just how we’re made…but whom He is trumps all of those physical ailments and torments and imperfections. There will be nights and days when you don’t want anyone to say to you “you can do it”. “Keep pushing”, don’t give up here, now” those statements will have no effect on you, hell, they may even piss you off to hear…but that’s when you push, that’s when you pull, that’s when you STAND.

I’ve told you before, I have no secrets; I have no plan in my back pocket to pull out in these moments of disgust. I continue to say you have to have a base, a place bigger than you your Master Love Source. I’m a guy who believes fully

Ephesians 3:19-23
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his powerthat is at work within us,

I promise you as surely as my name is Abraham McDonald I would not have been able to push through tonight without this scripture and Hillsong’s “I Surrender” playing in the background while I wrestled with myself. And no, not having food did not put me in a state is depression, no indeed; food tried to become the solution and entrapment to my dealing with the days hardships. I’m still learning balance and when I have to break a rule or two to keep myself on track, but today was filled with bumps and bruises, unexpected twists and a bit of loneliness.

Choosing to surrender to the path you’re traveling just isn’t easy…and hell, the truth is you don’t want it to be…How else do we learn to fight and win? There has to be pressure to birth vision.

SO here I am Now, standing and feeling 100% better, I beat the beast tonight and can head to the gym in peace. It’s like I’ve said before, you will become angry, sad, lonely and tired, but don’t become a quitter. Never that!

2012-09-12T12:31:32-07:00