I first would like to commend you on your ability to prioritize in such an effective manner.  Your life sounds like one lived in great service to  and love of others.  However, it is also VERY important that you receive energy from others so that you do not become too imbalanced.  Balance in life is crucial in all things (spiritual, physical, cognitive, relational etc). Your loneliness is your heart's/spirit's way of asking for relational balance.  It will continue asking louder and cause difficulties in other areas of your life/being until you create this balance.  Your substance use (and thank you for your honesty) only temporarily masks the loneliness, but drugs can only make it worse.  You see, drugs block us from becoming skilled at creating healthy relationships because they numbs us by turning down the volume on our brain's natural pleasure-centers. Additionally; keep in mind:  Your first fruits are always to be consumed by YOU!  You must always place yourself first, even before your son.  In example:  Airlines direct you that in the event of trouble you are to place your own oxygen mask on first.  You can be of no use to your son if you are unconscious due to lack of oxygen.  Similarly, if you give all of your fruits to others, you will have no "seed" or energy to produce more fruit.   You must give to you first!  Then you have the energy to give to others.  It teaches others how to give to you, how to love you, how to respect you and your needs while giving them the opportunity to reciprocate by giving to you.  This is how we balance giving.  Don't worry if it feels selfish at first, it definitely will seem that way, to you and possibly others.  Its just the change of tides making everyone feel a bit uncomfortable - but this will balance out in time as you become  more skilled at receiving and feel more worthy of others' care . I realize you have asked several other questions, however I have addressed the one I feel will help unblock your energy and allow you to see that the answers to the other questions have always been right before you.  We are born with everything we need to accomplish our goals, we only need to focus on the proper utilization of these gifts and resources.  If you couple this skill with fearlessness and belief in oneself, you will win. This communication does not constitute a client/coach relationship.  This is for information purposes only. Life is simply beautiful!  Enjoy your Self!